How to Talk to Children About a Parent’s Addiction

It’s estimated that one in ten children live with an adult that has an addiction, known as a substance use disorder (SUD), and that most of these children are under the age of five. Children who live in these situations have a higher likelihood of struggling with emotional and behavioral problems, or even with their own substance use disorders. That’s why it’s important for an adult, such as the other parent, to talk to a child who has a parent battling addiction.

Educate Yourself First

Before you speak with a child about their parent’s substance use disorder, it’s critical for you to understand the nature of the addiction yourself. An SUD is a mental health disorder that requires treatment, just like a medical condition needs to be treated. SUDs have many causes, and the people who struggle with them are not weak or defective. They deserve understanding and compassion, and not to be judged.

You should learn as much as you can about the specific addiction that the parent is struggling with so that you can speak with the child as knowledgably as possible, while conveying your compassion for the parent.

Understand Your Child’s Perspective

You also need to understand how the child may already view their parent’s problem. They may be confused and frustrated by their parent’s behavior, or they may be angry. They also may blame themselves. Observe their behavior and how they interact with the parent so that you can get a sense of their perspective and feelings.

Consider Their Age

It’s important to speak to the child at their level. A conversation with a three-year-old is very  different from one with a teenager.

Very Young Children

Very young children, meaning those under five, will only understand the addiction in very simple terms. You might want to consider having the talk while doing an activity with them, such as drawing, so that they feel comfortable.

You can use phrases like “Mommy has a sickness and needs to get treatment, just like you do when you’re sick and need to go to the doctor.” Also, use empathetic statements like “I know you might be upset when Mommy is sad or acts funny.”

If the parent is seeking treatment, explain that as well, and how it might mean that the child’s routine will change for a while.

School-Age Children

School-age children will be able to understand more about addiction and treatment, so you can give them more information, but at a basic level. Also, consider the fact that they may already have some understanding of what’s going on, so you might lead with something like “I know that you understand that Daddy drinks too much alcohol and that it’s not good for him.”

Then you can explain the basics of addiction as a condition that has many causes, and that the parent needs help. You can also explain more about how treatment works.

Teenagers

Teenagers get it. They already know a lot, probably more than you think they do. However, they also may have information that is incorrect. Have an open discussion with them about the addiction and treatment plan, making sure that they understand the facts. You should also encourage them to learn more and provide them with reputable sources of information.

Be Honest

No matter what the age of the child, be honest. If you hold back or don’t tell them the truth, they are eventually going to figure it out anyway. Making sure that they understand the problem at every stage ensures that they don’t make incorrect assumptions or blame themselves.

Time It Right

Have a plan for the conversation. Choose a time and place where there will be no distractions or interruptions, and where they will be comfortable. You want to be able to focus your attention on them and speak freely.

Let Them Speak

Arguably, the most important thing to remember is to let them speak. At any age, they are going to have questions that you should answer honestly, but age-appropriately. They likely also have feelings to express, whether sadness, confusion, or anger. Let them speak openly and express your understanding and empathy.

Consider Family Therapy

If the parent is already in treatment, the program may have a family therapy component that may be helpful for the child. If not, you might want to consider starting family therapy so that a professional can help your child understand what’s going on and learn how to cope with their feelings. This can be helpful at any age and can go on for as long as it seems necessary.

Doing this can prevent the child from continuing to struggle emotionally and behaviorally. It may also help to prevent them from following the path of substance abuse themselves.

In Closing

If you know a child whose parent is struggling with substance abuse, it’s critical to have a conversation with the child. You cannot ignore how it may be affecting them or keep them in the dark. Start by educating yourself about addiction and treatment. Bridges of Hope can provide you with resources and support to help you and the child gain a better understanding of addiction and how to best cope with the problem.